An Open Letter to Parents
Your children are going to be different from you. It is not a problem if they express themselves in their own ways and it is not a problem if they make mistakes. If you have a problem with them doing so, maybe analyze why you do. If you have children, love them unconditionally. Do not demand that they live up to your expectations, as that will make them depressed and less willing to confide in you as they grow older.
If that is not enough, I will add this: I struggled with suicidality as a child because I had trust issues and did not feel comfortable expressing myself around my family. If you choose to micromanage your child and try to dictate their lives, you will be entirely at fault when they end up in the same position I did.
Of course, as a parent it is your job to take care of them and you should make sure they do not engage in anything that would put them in danger, but you need to understand that being queer, neurodivergent, or in any way different to you is not something you should drive out of them. It is not a personal failing if they turn out to be their own people. It is a personal failing if they grow up unwilling to open up to you. You can not abuse them into loving you.
Parenting is a balance. I myself was lucky enough to have parents who were amazing and loving despite any faults they had. What made them so great in my opinion as their child was this:
- They elaborated when I had questions or was confused why they said no. They did not say “because I said so” or invoke any authority over me.
- They encouraged me in pursuing my interests. My mom brought home books from work for me to look through to learn more about languages and linguistics. My dad gave me recommendations for researching history and social issues.
- They encouraged me to do what was best for myself. My mom encouraged me to study at the University of Minnesota, half a continent away from home, for its linguistics program because she recognized how passionate I was about the subject. My dad has been supportive of me in my activist work, even if he is concerned about my safety.
This is not to say that they were perfect, and I will also give you some issues I had with their parenting so that you can avoid the same mistakes:
- They did not always listen. When I was struggling with mental health issues, they repeatedly did what they thought was best, even when it made me feel worse.
- They restricted my ability to socialize with others. Others in my family remember it better, but when I was young I was not allowed to hang out with friends outside of school except during breaks or on weekends.
- They showed me media they enjoyed. While I appreciate a lot of what they enjoyed, I would say that they should have let me watch or read modern children’s entertainment when I was a child instead of raising me on more highbrow media.
All of this is to say that you need to let your children be their own people. Childhood is a time for us to explore both ourselves and the world around us. You should encourage them to do so instead of making them into a carbon copy of yourself. I hope that my words can help any new or stubborn parents, as all I want is for children across the world to have safe, loving homes with parents who genuinely respect them as they are. This will be difficult, as I appreciate it was for my parents. I have to acknowledge that it is not easy to raise a child, but if you choose to have one you must do everything you can to be a responsible parent.
There is an adage that I often hear coming from disabled people, saying that if you aren’t willing to take care of a disabled child then you aren’t ready to have children. Please take this into account and understand that the same goes for queer children, trans children and more.
Best wishes to you all, parents and children alike,
Nechemye Keszthelyi
Story of Keshen 